


Path To Redemption

by lostinmymindforever



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-05
Updated: 2013-08-05
Packaged: 2017-12-22 11:58:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,719
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/912941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lostinmymindforever/pseuds/lostinmymindforever
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After years of being Lucifer's lover, Sam knows he's damned, or is he?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Path To Redemption

**Author's Note:**

  * For [CrankyWhenProvoked](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CrankyWhenProvoked/gifts).



> Sequel of sorts to "A Birthday Visit". You don't necessarily need to read that for this to make sense. Basically put, when Sam was younger he became lover to Lucifer, who would visit him in many different forms. This is what happens as he grows up

Sam sat staring at his reflection in the mirror, much as he had been doing lately. He stared with a mix of terror, confusion, and pure unadulterated lust. He’d recently went through a series of growth spurts, gone was the small, somewhat odd looking boy he had been, and in his place was a man he had seen for years.

Seeing his reflection like this, almost identical to one of the guises Lucifer came to him in was troubling. Because Sam knew without a doubt it meant that one day Lucifer would take him over completely. He felt a shudder run through him, yet he wasn’t sure if it was due to fear or pleasure at that thought.

He brought his hand to the mirror, wishing that Lucifer would come to him. It had been over a year since his last visit, a year in which Sam grew into the man he currently was. He knew he was damned, had known that fact for years, yet the proof of that damnation stared back at him almost taunting him every time he looked into the mirror.

It didn’t help matters that his father didn’t trust him, that he’d look at Sam with a look of grim determination as if he knew how broken and tainted Sam was, as if he knew that one day he’d end up having to hunt Sam down. 

So Sam did the only thing he could. He applied to as many colleges as he could, applied for loans, stole and saved money so he could escape the fate he knew he’d have to face if he stayed with his father and brother. He longed to tell Dean the truth, longed to have the certainty that Dean would side with him, yet Sam knew that if Dean knew he’d take their father’s side.

Sam knew if Dean knew a lot of what he kept secret he’d hate him. Dean would hate him for what he had allowed to happen time and again for years. He’d hate Sam if he knew how many times Sam thought about him, thought about holding him down, fucking Dean hard as Lucifer took him once more. Dean would hate him if he ever found out how badly Sam wanted him. Sam knew that if Dean ever found out about the fantasies he had, the ones where he was ruling Hell with Dean as his loyal, loving consort, that Dean would go to their father immediately and Sam would be put down like the monster he was.

So Sam kept quiet.

He could feel the distance growing between them, and it killed him inside. 

When the letter came Sam cried out in relief, giving thanks to a god he knew wanted nothing to do with him. How could he, after what Sam had done, and what he was bound to do in the future.

It killed Sam a little bit when he left, leaving his father angry, his brother looking betrayed. And yet for the first time in years Sam felt free, the weight of having to hide from his family finally removed from him.

The first year away was the worst, as Dean came to see him time and again, making Sam want to leave with him every single time. Yet Sam held his ground, not leaving the life he was making for himself, a small part of him telling himself that he was saving Dean, saving Dean from the one monster he couldn’t, wouldn’t fight, Sam himself.

By the time his second year at college began, Lucifer had still not come to him. Sam felt lost, adrift, as if he had imagined the years he had spent servicing Lucifer, as if none of it had been real. He almost had himself believing that it had all been delusions, that none of the things he had grown up believing were real. 

And then he saw her.

She was sitting under a tree with a couple of friends, that perfect smile on her face. And Sam knew the moment she laid her eyes on him, the moment she approached him and started dating him that she had signed her own death certificate.

They had two years together. Two years in which Sam tried to pretend that everything was normal. Two years in which he hid the fact that every time they fucked he longed to feel her forked tongue on his flesh. It never happened. Jessica wasn’t Lucifer, she just happened to be one of the forms he had used with Sam.

When Dean showed up, after two long years away from Sam, Sam felt all the things he had tried to bury deep inside of himself. The longing, the pain, the terror. And yet still he followed his brother, still he climbed into the car with him, leaving Jessica alone to her gruesome fate.

A part of Sam knew he should feel worse for her loss than he did, and yet he couldn’t. He’d known all along she was doomed. 

It wasn’t until later, until after their father had died, that Dean finally began to see just who and what his brother truly was. It was little things, the way demons seemed to either shy clear of Sam or try to worship him, as if they knew just who and what he was.

Tainted, lost, damned.

And the sad fact is, that instead of running from Sam, instead of calling Sam a monster, a freak, no better than the thing that killed their parents, Dean vows to save him. Vows to protect Sam, to take care of him, to defend him with his dying breath.

And Sam wants.

Wants Dean even more than he had before. Wants him more than he ever wanted Lucifer. It terrifies him. He tries pushing Dean away, tries desperately to save Dean from himself, save Dean from Sam, but every time Sam pushes, Dean pushes back even harder.

Until the day when Sam slams Dean into a wall, getting in his face, screaming out his rage, telling him everything, telling him all about how he gave up everything, gave up his soul for what he thought was love. How he knew the moment he saw Jessica she was dead. How he’d give anything to save Dean from the path they are both on.

And Dean kisses him. Kisses him like Sam can’t remember anyone ever kissing him before. Sam wants to fight it, wants to push Dean away, but he can’t. Dean won’t let him.

That evening Sam stares at the ceiling, Dean pressed against his side, holding him tightly, and Sam knows he just damned his brother along side of himself. He hates that he did that, hates the fact that his weakness, his lack of strength as a boy will only end in eternal damnation for them both. 

He leaves that evening, long before Dean wakes, running as far from his brother as he can. It’s only a day before Dean finds him and drags him back, telling Sam that he’s not giving up on him, on them without a fight. Sam fears it will be a fight that kills them both.

Every time Sam runs, Dean finds him, until Sam just can’t anymore. And each time he’s dragged back, each time he finds himself tightly held in his brother’s embrace he wishes he could go back in time, wishes he could go back to when he was 12 and this all started and say no.

Sam knows his wishes are futile, though, knows he damned himself, and now his beloved big brother and it kills him inside.

So he does the one thing he never thought he’d ever do again.

He prays. He prays harder than he could ever remember praying in his entire life. He begs and pleads for a way out of this, for a way to end this. He’s surprised when he gets a response.

At first Sam thinks he’s losing what little mind he had left, but all too soon he comes to realize that the voice he is hearing is real. The voice that is offering a chance to stop things, a chance to save both himself and Dean. 

It isn’t until a few months later, when he’s taken from Dean, taken with other people like him, others touched by the demon that destroyed his family that he finally accepts the help the voice had offered him, that he finally says yes.

The knife that goes into his back should have killed him, he knows this, he can feel it enter his body, and Castiel, the one who answered his prayers, the one who he allowed into his body heals the wound, killing Jake before going after Azazel and killing him once and for all.

When Castiel leaves him, Sam feels empty and yet for the first time in over a decade, in his entire life if he’s honest, he feels pure, clean, untainted.

Sam goes to Dean, clings to him for dear life, knowing that in a way it’s over, that the fate he thought he brought on both of them is finally gone. When they’re in bed together that night Sam feels as if it was his first time, as if his slate has been wiped clean and he only has good to look forward to.

He says a prayer of thanks, telling Castiel how gracious he is for what he did, for saving not only himself but Dean as well. He doesn’t expect a reply, nor does he get one. 

Less than a week later they find Castiel, stripped of his powers, broken for what he had done, and yet he has no regrets. As soon as Castiel is well enough they begin to hunt once more, unable to do anything else. 

Sam knows that Dean in a small way resents Castiel, that he was the one to save Sam, and yet at the same time he also holds the former angel in high respect, having sacrificed himself in a way to protect what Dean holds dearest. 

Sam isn’t sure what will happen, he isn’t sure Lucifer won’t find a way back to him, yet at the same time he knows that he won’t say yes, not this time. He has too much to lose now.


End file.
